No Hope

I hate myself and I don't trust you. Where does that leave us? I drafted a note to send to Heather before Monday's session. I'm sitting on it until Sunday morning. I'm not contacting you today or tomorrow unless you contact me - what's the point. Besides, who knows who you're with or what you're doing. I know you think I should believe you that you love me and that you won't do whatever again and that you're not throwing me away. I don't.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Never Think

We had dinner tonight at Cheesecake Factory. There is going to come to be a point when I don't think I'll ever be able to eat there again. It's become this place where I have to bury my hurt and try to be an OK person who can look at you when she wants to break down.

I bawled for about the first hour and a half of my drive. Now I don't know what to think. I feel like I need Heather on speed dial to make it so that I don't want to curl up in a ball and die. I'm living appointment to appointment. I guess at least the next appointment is Monday. I'm coming up with a list of things that I'm going to tell her beforehand. I don't know if I'm going to tell you or not. You want an answer now. You want to go to Seattle. You know that means the end. You can't be that naive. I feel like things never are what they should be with you. I feel like there are so many ways in which you don't demonstrate love for me. And it's that, and all the other reasons you have given me, that causes me to not believe your love. I know you're going to go. I know that now. I don't know why you're not admitting it. But I know. I think the only thing I can do at this point is shut down my heart. I don't know why it had to be like this. I guess now I need to mourn my life as I knew it.

I should never think 

What's in your heart 

What's in our home 

So I won't

You'll learn to hate me 

But still call me baby 

Oh, love 

So call me by my name 

And save your soul 

Save your soul 

Before you're too far gone 

Before nothing can be done

Weeping

I had a hard time coming up with the right name for this blog. I thought of some lame stuff and you know of course a lot of stuff is already taken, so it makes it more challenging. I decided on this - it's excerpts of lyrics from Flightless Bird, American Mouth. I first heard this song a long time ago as part of the Twilight soundtrack, but recently heard it again as part of a newer Twilight soundtrack. It's the "wedding version" of the song...it's slower and almost heartbreaking somehow. There are all kinds of interpretations of what the lyrics really mean online - I guess it's up to the listener to decide.

I'm so sad right now. I'm trying to be brave or whatever - calm or detached or I don't even know what.  I just feel like there is never a way you could choose this life and I'm waiting for the inevitable. I guess I don't even know that's what I want right now, but I can't help but feel this as the first step toward being alone.  I go back and forth almost daily. It doesn't matter to me to be without you.  I can't imagine being without you. I'm so mad and hurt and destroyed. All that matters is you. I don't know how to manage those feelings. I thought we would be together forever. It's not that I can't build a new life. It just hurts so much to think about getting to the other side. I know I'm supposed to be thinking about myself  and figuring out what I want, but I almost just can't think about getting over you.